Remember the alphabet? That useful thing you used to know before your newborn sucked out your brain cells?

A is for Alarm; you used to use the one on your phone, now you’ve got a live one that goes off every 40 minutes and has a malfunctioning snooze button.

B is for Bedside crib; the thing your baby refuses to sleep in, but it makes a nice laundry storage unit/cup holder/cat bed.

C is for Controlled crying; and not for the uncontrollable crying you feel like doing after another sleepless night.

D is for Dreamfeed, as in “dream on if you think this feed will keep your baby asleep for the rest of the night”.

E is for Ewan the dream sheep, aka £30 you’ll never get back.

F is for Friends; the ones in the same boat who you can send bleary-eyed nonsensical messages to at 3, 4, 5 and 6am.

G is for Good Night’s Sleep, a distant memory from back when you used contraception.   

H is for How Old Was Your Baby When He Slept Through The Night, and other things you wished you’d never googled.

I is for I Got Up Six Times Last Night Yes But I Went To Work All Day and other pointless arguments to have with your partner.

J is for Junk Food. The only way to survive the morning after the night before.

K is for Knackered. Always.

L is for Listening. Why has the baby gone so quiet? Is there something wrong?

M is for Monitor. Oh, it’s switched itself off again. Explains L.

N is for Naptime Neighbourhood Watch. Your new role when your baby falls asleep in the car, forcing you to sit outside your house for hours because you’re too scared to risk the dreaded transfer.

O is for OH MY GOD WHEN WILL THIS END?

P is for Piss. The thing you really need when your baby decides to take their longest ever nap on top of you. Dammit.

Q is for Quality Sleep. A distant fantasy. And no, you’re not the only mum who’s considered checking into a hotel for the night.

R is for Rod for your own back. Words that will be uttered if you dare to talk about sleep, particularly with older relatives.

S is for Sleep. Just a quick reminder that this is what we’re talking about today, and all the other days, because we know it’s hard to concentrate when you’ve had three hours sl… sorry what was that again? Just dozed off.

T is for Tired. Obviously.

U is for U GOT THIS, and other slightly patronising statements designed to make you feel better about how exhausted U R.

V is for Vacation. You need one. You plan one. You go on one.  You realise that babies and time differences aren’t friends.

W is for WTF, we just read back through this whole thing an hour after writing it and realised we’d missed out W because We’re so tired.

X is for Xxx. The kisses and cuddles that make it all worth it.  

Y is for Yawn. Is it bedtime yet?

Z is for… Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Finally.