4th September 2017

Royal pregnancy vs normal pregnancy

Mush editor Isabel Mohan is pregnant at the same time as the Duchess of Cambridge AGAIN…  

Once again, my sex life is in sync with the royals: The Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant at the same time as me. Back in 2015, Princess Charlotte of Cambridge was born four weeks before my little boy, Prince Raphael of Catford. And now, two and a bit years later, we’re bump buddies again. Imaginary ones. Who don’t actually have very much in common…

She pukes all day; I only puke in the morning

I had bog standard morning sickness; poor (rich) Kate has hyperemesis gravidarum. Now I’m 20 weeks, so the nausea and extreme knackeredness has mostly passed, but – don’t read this while eating your lunch – I do honk up bright yellow acid reflux in the shower most mornings; something to do with the baby pushing everything upwards as it grows, apparently. It’s good to know that such indignity doesn’t discriminate based on class and wealth. We are forever united in grossness.

My maternity wardrobe is 90% hand me downs

There’s always someone up the duff in my main group of six gal pals, so we have a giant holey bag of maternity clothes that’s been going round and round for four years: the sisterhood of travelling leggings, basically. We’re all drastically different dress sizes, but since everyone’s fat when they’re pregnant, it somehow works.

I did buy one new maternity dress last time I was pregnant: a nice black and white polka dot number from ASOS… which Kate Middleton was photographed in a couple of weeks later. Except hers was a size 8 and mine was a 16. And I wore mine at least twice a week.

But that’s fine. Because nobody gives a damn what I look like. I mean, I basically wear the same opaque tights/forgiving dress combo every day, and I haven’t once been called out on it by any national newspapers. Kate can’t win: if she wears the same thing more than once, she’s seen as freakishly thrifty, and if she wears new stuff all the time, she’s wasteful and extravagant.

She’s welcome to join the sisterhood of travelling leggings should she want some new ideas, though.

We can call our kid whatever we want

I feel for the Cambridges, I really do. Second time round and with a toddler to contend with, my husband and I haven’t had time for a proper conversation about baby names, whereas if Kate and Wills want to discuss such matters, they need to do it in a soundproof room flanked by Secret Service agents because there are already people betting actual money on what the baby will be called. And all the options are p-r-e-t-t-y predictable, whereas we can call our kid Lady Shaniqua Applecrumble The Third if we want to.

While Kate and Wills will be glazing over as they read through lists of acceptably traditional regal names, I’m mainly annoyed that I’ve wasted my favourite names on my cats. It seems unlikely that Kate will have similar rage towards the corgis.

Nobody cares

First time round, my pregnancy was Very Exciting Indeed, and my friends and family acted like it was too. Second time round, it feels like a bit of an afterthought; I felt sheepish about announcing it, and I don’t spend nearly as much time googling what fruit my foetus is the same size as, because my real life walking, talking two year old is way more interesting and consuming.

With royal babies though, everyone cares. OK, so number three is very unlikely to ever be monarch, but he or she is still about to be one of the most famous people in the world. As it stands, our own spare is significantly less news-worthy.

I have to go to fricking work (which I love obvs)

As editor of Mush, I have to get up and go to work every day (except Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays; the bosses aren’t monsters), or I would get sacked. I cannot simply get my people to issue a press release about how I’ve had to cancel my dead important content marketing engagements because I’m all pukey.

But equally it doesn’t really matter if I’m not looking or feeling my best at work, because the paparazzi are rarely sniffing around the industrial estate in Battersea where we do our thing. What I’m trying to say is, while it might seem like Kate, Wills and their offspring lead a charmed life, and it’s all very well them having three kids because they’re rich and can afford a massive car and a fleet of Norland’s finest nannies, being pregnant in the spotlight would not be very fun at all. A bit more attention wouldn’t go amiss though, guys.

@isabel_m_rene @mushmums 

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