How the production of a royal baby compares to a less regal experience

The Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to her third child, a little brother for Prince George and Princess Charlotte. Weighing in at 8lb7oz, the baby made an impressively swift entry into the world on Monday April 23, St George’s Day, with Prince William on hand-holding duties.

While the whole ‘private hospital wing and hair and make-up team’ things sounds pretty great, being snapped at every stage of pregnancy and having to look cheerful on the days where all you want to do is tear into a packet of Maryland cookies like a hungry bear with a juicy salmon does not. Is being a royal mum all it’s cracked up to be?

Pregnancy

KATE: Suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum, missed her son’s first day at big school then spent the rest of the pregnancy looking chic.

US: Struggled through the first trimester then spent the rest of the pregnancy eating cheese in elasticated clothing.

Royal or regular: She may have a superb wardrobe and a great medical team, but pregnancy in the public eye ain’t easy. No thank you!

Birth

KATE: In the wing of a private hospital attended by a top obstetrician, with legions of fans and the world’s press camped outside waiting for her to produce a person from her pants department.

US: Wearing a sports bra/surgical gown/tankini top at the local hospital, tended by whoever was on shift, or at home with midwives.

Royal or regular: As lovely as an elite birth squad sounds, the idea of hundreds of people outside wrapped in union flags cheering on every contraction is soooo weird. Nope to the power of infinity.

The reveal

KATE: The DoC will no doubt glide out of the hospital in a carefully selected dress, looking radiant as she cradles her newborn son.

US: A delirious post-delivery pic on social media, sporting a bun, skewwiff gown, loved-up grin, a few tubes and a whole lot of boob with a crumpled little baby face peeking out of a hospital towel.

Royal or regular: No woman envies Kate the task of appearing in public looking perfect hours after having a baby, but on reflection, maybe she wins this one…

The name

KATE: Speculation and betting have been rife around what Kate and Wills are going to call the baby, but no doubt it’ll be something sensible. When you’re a part of the royal family, you have to go pretty trad.

US: Desperately hoping the name we love won’t get picked by the royal couple for their baby while wondering if Astro Tulip might fly with our other half as a back-up.

Royal or regular: Duchess of not, there’s always that family member who – no matter what the name – pulls a face like you’ve decided to call the child Stinkbag McTurnip and says, “Oh! How… interesting.” A draw.

The help                     

KATE: Whatever help she needs, whenever she wants it. Her mum’s heading up the team and we’re guessing her husband can take as much paternity leave as he likes.

US: A couple of weeks of paternity leave if we’re lucky, with catering support from Dominos.

Royal or regular: Kate, can we move in with you, please?

Fourth trimester

KATE: It’s going to be tearful, milky, wondrous, sore, sleep-deprived and hormonal.

US: Yup.

The verdict: Royal or regular, there’s no avoiding the wonders of the fourth trimester – or family commitments. Thanks a bunch, Harry and Meghan!

The verdict: Oh, who are we kidding, the princess experience sounds awesome. Except for the people cheering outside the hospital. Get shot of them and maybe we’ll consider it next time…