If you’ve got a weaning baby or a toddler you’ll be familiar with ‘baby Wotsits’. They’re those bits of edible orange polystyrene that you can give to babies to suck. You’ll have spent an hour or two last week chiselling dried bits of them off your coffee table. You know the ones.
There are loads of foods marketed towards babies, toddlers and preschoolers these days. There are flavoured rice cakes, fruity thingies, oaty bars…and they’ve usually got words like ‘organic’ plastered on the packaging in big, reassuring letters to make you feel like you’re not screwing up even though loads of them are packed with sugar.
But have you ever tasted them? I have, and I did it all for you. How else are you going to find out helpful information such as which are best for you to steal from your child when you’ve run out of Kettle Chips, and which go best with a massive glass of Pinot when you can’t be arsed to go to the shop at the end of a long day? Here are my detailed findings:
Organix Tomato Slices – these are probably the best of the fake Wotsit type snacks and are pleasingly shaped like slices of tomato. They’re a bit like Tangy Toms but slightly shit. Passable with a glass of wine.
Petits Filous – Creamy and delicately fruity, a strong contender in an emergency (such as you forgot to buy Mars Bars). Tiny pots though. You need at least 3.
Kiddylicious Banana Wafers – These taste like nothing and have the consistency of crisped up air. Will not satisfy snack cravings or soak up three G&Ts.
Farleys Rusks – According to my friends, rusks are food of the Gods. I wouldn’t know because I couldn’t bring myself to try one due to a traumatic childhood memory involving my friend’s mucus and rusk encrusted baby brother and a sneeze.
Organix Goodies Raspberry and Apple Moos – these are basically concentrated fruit. Allegedly shaped like cow faces but look more like angry demons. They contain more sugar per 100g than Haribo which is a bit of a shocker. Quite tasty, but it’s hardly a bag of Starmix is it?
Pom Bears – aimed at preschoolers rather than babies as they contain salt. You can’t go wrong with a bag of Pom Bears (probably because of the salt).
Heinz Chocolate Biscotti – So nice. I have fond memories of my friend and I mainlining these whilst slumped on the sofa watching our toddlers destroy things (books, my house, our souls). Good for dunking.
Kiddylicious Cheesy Straws – Potato straws covered in cheese powder. Extensive testing has revealed that you can get through a bitchload of these during an evening of watching Netflix under a blanket.
Fruit Bowl Strawberry Yoghurt Flakes – aimed more at preschoolers and older children. They contain more sugar per 100g than any sweets or chocolate I can find with a quick Google search and are so sweet that I can barely swallow them.
Organix Goodies Oaty Bars – Sweetened naturally with apple juice apparently. Frankly, these could be sweetened by the tears of unicorns and caressed by the teats of Annabel Karmel herself but I still wouldn’t eat them because they’re disgusting.
Mini Babybels – I hated these as a child and thought they tasted “of poison”. They’re still not great, but in the absence of a massive wedge of brie I will grudgingly eat a couple. They purple ones taste a bit less poisony.
Heinz Chocolate Pudding – You know you’ve reached an all time low when you find yourself reaching for a jar of baby food. Acceptable in a chocolate emergency but chill it in the fridge first. What are you; an animal?
Kiddylicious Smoothie Melts – What fresh hell? Whoever decided that smoothies should be freeze dried into a crispy beige snack needs to have a word with themselves. Melt disgustingly on your tongue to leave a lingering aftertaste of rotting bananas.
There you go. I hope this information will help you in future emergency snack situations. If anything it should at least inspire you to make sure that your grown ups crisp and biscuit cupboard stays fully stocked at all times.