Something looks different here. Oh wait! It’s the fact that their white wall is still white says Caroline Corcoran (who is currently removing lentil dahl from her kitchen tiles)…
It’s fair to say that I don’t share masses in common with Beyonce, nor do I look at Kendall Jenner in a bikini on a yacht on Instagram and go ‘Me! That’s just so me, Kendall’. But when it comes to celebrity motherhood, the gulf between me and my celebrity comrades is a whole other level. Kim Kardashian wears silk in charge of toddlers. Victoria Beckham appears to iron her clothes. I did not feel any temptation to announce my pregnancy on Instagram with a veil over my face. Here are the other ways me and the girls do it differently…
The Back-to-work reality
You: Drinking lukewarm tea at an office in Clapham.
Celebs: Drinking Dom Perignon at Elton John’s White Tie and Tiara Ball.
The Cash Situation
You: Maternity pay means that you now buy all of your wardrobe – which is essentially three pairs of leggings and a couple of jumpers anyway – at Primark and yesterday got all of your handbags out of the loft to search them for coins. Secured three quid in 20ps. Did a small dance.
Celebs: Owing to a recently-secured deal to be the face of a high-end baby lifestyle blog, they are absolutely rolling in it.
You: Some of it used to be white, you think, but it’s difficult to remember now the floor’s got a slight hue of banana and no-one even wants to bring up what’s going on on that wall.
Celebs: White, white, so very white.
The Weekend Activities
You: You’re off on a family trip to the recycling centre, and need to swing by Tesco for yet more bananas/ rice cakes.
Celebs: Coachella, you say? Play dates with Gordon Ramsay’s kids? A trip to Soul Cycle together?
The First Night Off
You: Out for a curry where you get drunk on two beers, eat too much prawn balti then consider finding a bench to have a nap on at 9pm to make the most of having your mum round to babysit.
Celebs: Down to obligatory hip current celeb restaurant where they will showcase big, bouncy hair, eyes that don’t say ‘feed me Touche Eclat, feed me’ and a hot new dress, like nothing even happened.
The Post-Baby Bod
You: Can technically get into your old skinny jeans even if the button isn’t done up, you look a little hippier than before and you have the start of what feels like a pretty high-level stomach pain.
Celebs: Can get into their old skinny jeans but why would they when they have been sent shed loads of new ones by their designer mates?
You: It’s time to board a plane with a small human which is going to be all kinds of stressful when you think about changing an explosive nappy in a plane toilet, trying to get anything other than six babygrows in a RyanAir cabin bag and – oh god, you didn’t even think about sunburn…
Celebs: It’s time to board a plane with a small human which is going to be all kinds of stressful, except – oh hold on! You’ve got a first class flight with a bucket of champagne and four very attentive nannies who are coming along to the eight bedroomed villa in Cabo. Top up, guys?