There couldn’t be anything more gentle and harmless than a baby – said no mum ever! Babies might have the reputation for being fragile and delicate, but here’s our run-down of the injures your little one might inflict upon you. Don’t say you haven’t been warned…

Scratched eyes

Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that your baby’s hands are so tiny and their nails so minuscule you’ll be hard-pushed to actually see them in the wrong light. Because in this case size means nothing! In one foul swoop (normally administered when you’re taken off-guard, mid-feed for example) your precious cherub can scratch your cornea and cause such injury, not to mention severe agony, that you’re sitting in the waiting room of your local hospital for hours, only to leave with a very unsightly eye patch. Safety goggles anyone?!

Split lips

In our case this was always caused by a very impulsive jolt of a baby head which resulted in lips being impaled on front teeth. It’s guaranteed to cause instant eye-watering (and usually proper tears), and if you’re really lucky it quickly develops into a full-blown coldsore.

Stubbed toes

Not actually caused by your precious little one themselves, but more by their ‘equipment’. By that we mean all the plastic fantastic crap that you soon accumulate in their wake. No matter how good your intentions are before the baby arrives, even the most determined of us quickly find our home transformed into an obstacle course of baby paraphernalia. So it’s inevitable really that stubbing your toe on a highchair/baby walker/buggy will soon become part and parcel of being a parent.

Ripped nips

That’s what happens to your skin when you’re breastfeeding your baby and they’re getting annoyed that the milk isn’t coming out fast enough. It’s like a cat doing that funny little pawing thing when they’re getting comfy on the sofa, only the sofa is your boob and instead of cat’s claws it’s your baby’s razor-sharp nails. Don’t worry, it’ll look perfect for Halloween. Until then you’ll have to try and rock the Freddie Krueger look best you can!

Sandpaper knees           

You can forget having silky-soft skin once your baby starts crawling. Why? Because you’ll soon be spending the rest of your life on all fours too. And before your other half starts getting ideas, it certainly isn’t in a sexy way. It’s simply due to the fact that you’ll spend the next year of your life crawling around after them until your jeans all rip at the knees and you develop callouses a mountain climber would be proud of. Looks particularly awful when fake tan is applied on top.

Bald patches

Caused by your baby grabbing fistfuls of your hair in their clammy little hands and then refusing to let go for love nor money. This can be administered in a double dose, with both hands simultaneously clutching at your hair like a rope-swing. Screaming doesn’t seem to help, and the bald patches are a great accompaniment to the baby-fluff fringe you’re already sprouting since pregnancy.

Broken nails

OK, OK, so broken nails doesn’t sound like a real injury, but it is when your nail is torn off so far down the nail-bed that it draws blood, or your acrylic is ripped clean off taking a layer of your real nail with it too. This injury happens when your baby is screaming, you’re sweating, and struggling to fasten them into a car-seat or buggy as fast as possible. Often it’s when you’ve got an audience of judgemental passers-by who look on even more disapprovingly when a foul-mouthed yelp escapes from your mouth. It certainly puts the pain of childbirth into perspective!