Don’t shoot the messenger, but there are some new trends to be aware of if you’re expecting a baby this year…

Name your baby after your frightening great aunt

Pretty Victorian-ish names like Amelia, Ava and Emily were all the rage in the noughties, but according to name trend spotters (actual job. How do we apply?), the fad for this decade is that names from the previous roaring twenties will be making a comeback: think Barbara, Ruth and Frank. We can’t wait to meet our first Baby Babs.

Don’t put your baby’s bum near anything plastic

Disposable nappies? BAD! Disposable wipes? THE EPITOME OF EVIL! OK, we all know it’s not as simple as that when there’s a poonami to contend with, but in 2020 it is a lot easier to nod towards being a more eco-friendly parent, with cloth nappies and biodegradable baby kit more widely available than ever before, and brands like Mum & You and Cheeky Wipes starting to become household names.

Make your baby as uncomfortable as possible

Call us old-fashioned, but we like to dress our baby in stretchy, machine washable garments that cost under a tenner, given that they grow about an inch a minute. However, according to fashion masochists, the baby clothes trends for 2020 are double denim (so if you have boy-girl twins you can play a fun game of “Let’s dress them as Justin and Britney circa 2001”), fur (we really hope they mean fake fur, or we’re going to need to have a difficult conversation with our toddler about her favourite bunny at Pets at Home) and leather (just no). Still, now you can rehearse your best delighted face for when your most fashion-forward mate hands over a black leather newborn romper suit at your baby shower. “Oooh, it’s wipe clean, so practical, thanks hun!”.

Don’t tell anyone you’ve had a baby

Posting your scan photo on Facebook is SO last decade – it’s way more fashionable these days to keep your forthcoming arrival a secret, a la Cameron Diaz, who recently became a first-time mum to baby Raddix (definitely not a 1920s name, isn’t she paying attention?), although no details are known about the circumstances. We can see the logic in not telling anyone you’re expecting, but the 2020 mum is also more likely to not even mention their baby after it’s been born (presumably until you bump into them in the street and clock their leaking boobs, prominent eyebags, and actual adorable baby strapped to them, anyway).

Or just… do your own thing

Trend reports are all well and good, but when did babies ever do what they were supposed to? Our real advice for anyone becoming a mum in 2020 (and you’re in good company, with Millie Mackintosh, Michelle Williams and basically the entire cast of TOWIE all expecting) is to just do what feels right for you. Oh, and download Mush and make all the mum friends, obvs.