During pregnancy you imagine holding a gorgeous little newborn in your arms. You picture their soft skin, their sweet milky smell…. what you probably didn’t bargain on was the really gross bits that would make your pre-baby stomach churn…
Sucking their snot
Why bother investing in one of those little plastic baby snot-sucker devices (yes they actually exist) when you can just do it yourself?! Sounds gross, but when your baby’s got a blocked nose you really will do anything to help them breathe better. Besides, bogies are green so they must count as one of your five a day, right?
Biting their nails
Anyone who’s tried keeping a baby’s fingers still while they attack their nails with some mini nail-clippers will understand why biting them is a far safer and stress-free option. Not only is there no risk of snipping off their skin, an added benefit is you can do it anywhere and any time. Might get a few strange looks on the bus though!
Sniffing their bum
Put a load of new mums in a room with a pile of soiled nappies and there’s no question about the fact that they’ll be able to sniff out their own. It must be an in-built instinct that mothers are given, so that when you smell your baby’s particular poo fragrance across a crowded baby group you can leap across like a gazelle and head to the loos.
Picking their cradle cap
A bit like picking a scab except there’s much more of it, and it doesn’t cause your baby any pain (well, we hope not anyway…). Added benefits are this is incredibly therapeutic for mums and eliminates the need for buying special cradle-cap shampoo. Just make sure you’ve got the hoover ready to clear up the scaly mess afterwards…
Picking their nose
Helps if you’ve got an extra long nail on your pinkie with which to hook out the crustiest bogies. The grossness of this quickly pales into insignificance alongside some of the other tasks you’ll find yourself doing for your baby. Can be particularly rewarding if you hook a big one!
Changing their nappies on the dining room table
Or kitchen worktop, or coffee table, or pretty much any flat surface that you would have previously been utterly horrified about changing a nappy on. But suddenly, once you have a baby all those pre-conceived ideas seem to go out the window and you won’t be the slightest bit grossed out about dealing with a poonami on the kitchen table… but ideally not while the rest of the family are eating their Sunday lunch…
Fish floaters out of the bath
Well there’s no point wasting all that bath water is there! Experience teaches us that a soap dish acts as a very good poo-catcher, works best if it’s more of a solid offering though, so not ideal on newborn neon mushy ones…