No matter how fashionable you used to be – maybe you’ve even worked in fashion (mwah!) – things will change a bit when you become a mum. All of your previous good taste will be transferred to your baby, who looks cool and stylish and so on trend at all times, while your own wardrobe will have an emphasis on practical and comfortable. Here are a few staple items that you’ll hate yourself for wearing on a daily basis…

Stripey tops

What is it with mums and stripey tops? Who decided this was our uniform? What if we don’t even like stripes? There are so many new mums rocking Breton stripes that if an alien visited the planet, he or she would be forgiven for thinking they were issued postnatally along with the red book and all those fricking pamphlets. The truth is, it starts in pregnancy (SO many maternity clothes are striped; because of course we really want to look even wider) and is a hard habit to break.

So many leggings

Nobody likes leggings. But everyone’s got some. And they’re so easy to wear. So you might find yourself wearing them every day, in a variety of shades of black. High-waisted ones are particularly gentle on c-section scars, and regardless of how you gave birth, there’s absolutely no way you’ll be wanting to wear jeans any time soon.

Trousers that look a bit like pyjamas

God bless fashion for bringing back patterned trousers a few years back. It means that our pyjamas are interchangeable with our actual clothes, and that’s an ideal state of affairs for a new mum even if we now look like our actual mum in our natty floral slacks. Likewise: snazzy jumpsuits, although they’re not friends with our compromised pelvic floor.

Jazzy trainers

You used to love a statement shoe, right? But it’s no longer practical to wear heels every day – or indeed, ever – so instead you’ve developed a penchant for snazzy trainers. Sparkly Converse, fluorescent high tops, leopard print plimsolls… you’ve got the lot. It’s your way of showing your individuality, in case the stripey top and leggings suggested otherwise. Oh wait, the woman next to you at baby sensory has got the same ones. Bugger. Better buy some more.

A practical coat with LOADS of pockets

Screw chic tailored jackets. You need a waterproof, hooded anorak type affair which has ample pockets to house your phone, a packet of raisins, a sippy cup and Sofie la Girafe.

Layers and layers and layers

If you’re breastfeeding, your top half will be forever wrapped in layers that you can pull up, down, in, out and shake all about; whatever provides adequate access for your baby while not giving you frozen nips when you inevitably have to whip them out on a park bench. Some of these layers are probably stripey. All of them are stretchy.

Food  

Yes, you wear food now. Your own, because you ate it too fast. Your baby’s regurgitated milk. Further down the line, sweet potato that they’ve hurled at you. Wearing patterns helps. So does perfume, if you remember what that is.