1st May 2020

Finding the positives in a sleep-phobic baby

Read this and weep… with joy.

It’s what they’re supposed to do

Babies are supposed to be crap at sleeping. The ones who sleep through early on are the anomalies, while your average baby needs to feed and be close to its parents frequently. It’s an evolutionary thing, man. They WILL improve in time, even if it takes a while. This bit is supposed to be knackering, it’s why there are a million books about baby sleep that you’re too tired to read.

They might just be a genius

There is some scientific evidence which suggests that babies who struggle to fall asleep, and stay asleep, are more likely to be very gifted. Basically, they just can’t switch off their incredible mind. Of course, this doesn’t mean that good sleepers are NOT going to be geniuses, but we don’t suppose their mums are bothering to read this anyway.

You don’t notice the sleep regressions so much

While your mum mate with the baby that (allegedly) slept 7-7 at six weeks is FREAKING OUT about the four month sleep regression (and the nine month sleep regression, and the one after that…), you haven’t even noticed, since life is one long sleep regression for you. You just go with the flow… the flow of coffee directly into your veins, ideally.

You’re ready for anything

If you’re accustomed to functioning on four hours of broken sleep a night, nothing can phase you. If any long-haul travel, shift work or really mental nights out crop up in the future, you can handle them… or at least handle them a lot better than someone who’s used to perfect sleep.

You know all the best coffee shops

And if you go often enough, you don’t even have to say a word – your friendly neighbourhood barista knows that you like your coffee like you like your, well, coffee: strong and silent.

You’ve got an instant bond with other mums

Nobody likes a smug mum, but if you’re part of the no sleep club, you can moan about your dreadful lives to your heart’s content, even at 4am. So quite frankly everyone else is missing out.

It’s easy to tart yourself up

If you constantly look like death because you’re so knackered, all you need to do is slap on some make-up and brush your hair and it will be such a dramatic transformation that people you see regularly will shower you with compliments about how well you’re looking. These mums who have it together 24/7 have to work a lot harder for a bit of appreciation.

You’re a walking home security system

You’re so accustomed to light, broken sleep that if a burglar so much as breathes within a 10 mile of radius of your home, you’ll have leaped from your bed and woken the whole street within seconds. Neighbourhood watch just got eye bags and it’s never been more efficient.

You can get away with being a massive bitch

If you say something really offensive in an argument with your partner, can’t be bothered to smile at your mother in law or totally lose it with a particularly sociopathic bus driver, a quick mutter of “I’m sorry, I didn’t get any sleep last night” will excuse all your sins. Just try not to deploy this technique too much with people you actually care about, though. And maybe apologise in 15 years when you’re a bit better rested.

The next one can’t possibly be as bad

If you’re brave enough to have any more kids – although we’re afraid you’ll have to at some point summon the energy to have sex – chances are they can’t possibly be as terrible at sleeping as this one. So, things can only get better, right? Maybe we should’ve said this bit first as you’ll definitely have nodded off by now…

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