Think of the mad nights out* we’d have with this lot, says Caroline Corcoran (*2pm walks around the park with the sling on)
Badass Mate: Della, Raised By Wolves
We would not spend our days with Della sipping endless coffee and sharing weaning tips. In fact Della would probably stand up, walk away from the self-indulgent debate about the best veg for finger food and give our small child a beer. Not that we’re saying that’s good – it’s bad! It’s very bad! – but you know, she would liven things up on a rainy mat-leave Tuesday.
Calming, Wise Mate: Binky’s mum, Made in Chelsea
Not just for the fact that she is rarely seen without a glass of champagne in her hand and that is a fine, fine characteristic for a friend to have, but also because she serves up her bubbles with wisdom and an air of calm that we could do with in our lives. Binky’s mum: in.
Cool Mate: Cookie, Empire
Cookie Lyon would not be able to meet you at baby pilates today, no, because she would be running a shareholders meeting. She probably wouldn’t sign up for this term at baby sensory owing to the fact she had to organise an event for 10,000 people and visit the prison where she used to be an inmate. Every now and again, she’d send us a text when we were sitting at home with vomit on our dressing gown shoulder though and we would die from how cool we felt by osmosis.
Mate Who Likes A Drink: Lynette, Desperate Housewives
“What time does the baby go to bed?” Lynette would WhatsApp. “Right, I’ll be round for poker and margaritas and a discussion about how I think one of our neighbours might be a secret psychopath.” And that, right there, is why Lynette would be welcome in our mum crew.
Mate Who Would Give Us A Cuddle: Pam, Gavin and Stacey
If we could just oust Dawny (or welcome her on board too?), Pam could be our best mate. And when Cookie couldn’t come to our aid on a bad day (Cookie is not the one to come to our aid) and Della told us to get a flamin’ grip, Pam would give us a hobnob, get the baby asleep for us on her boobs and hand us a soft, soft blanket to hide under on the couch.
Refreshingly Normal Mate: Sharon, Catastrophe
It’s definitely Sharon we’d tell when we got a disapproving look for swearing at baby swimming and it’s definitely Sharon we’d text about that bloody perfect mum who says she’s going to Weight Watchers and is about seven stone.
Mum Goals Mate: Claire, Modern Family
Claire would pop in on her way to work, before picking Luke up, and her hair would be perfect and we would be like “Why can’t we be more like Claire?” which sure, might be a little depressing at times but it’s good to have goals. Plus: double dates with Phil Dunphy.
Hilarious Mate: Debbie, The Only Way Is Essex
Not only does Debbie foster about a billion children making her a genuine mum icon for our times but she is also very, very funny. She does – if we’re basing this on what we see twice a week on TOWIE – also drink a lot of tea which works for us on the days we need to sober up after meeting Binky’s mum in Chelsea for a 10am brunch booze.