We all need a reminder sometimes (how about all the time?) that we’re doing a great job, and, with a bit of help from our confidence and wellbeing expert Tamu Thomas, founder of Three Sixty, we’re getting a lot better at patting ourselves on the back.
By popular demand (her last chat was epic too), Tamu was on hand on Thursday night to answer questions from Supermushers – VIP Mush users who subscribe to the app to get expert advice, personalised content and access to exclusive live chats (you can give it a whirl here). Here are a few of her words of wisdom. Consider us boosted!
“We are looking externally for something that actually comes from within”
“We tend to prioritise our roles (mother, wife, partner, daughter) and titles (manager, teacher, entrepreneur) over who we are, humans! When we do this we ignore the fact that life has changed and we can become so fixed on the loss of who we were that we can’t see who we are now. Our roles and titles are like flowers in a garden. We are the soil. The soil and the flowers change in different seasons. The soil requires different care in different seasons to help the flowers reach their true potential. Understanding our values and meaning is like fertiliser for us. But most of us look for value and meaning in our children, relationships and work so give and give but often feel unsatisfied as we are looking externally for something that actually comes from within.”
“No amount of caffeinated drinks will provide us with the fuel we need”
“Sleep is so important. I know this is hard for mothers of young children that don’t sleep through the night, however we can do things such as go to bed earlier. According to scientific research we need 7-9 hours of sleep. Anything less has serious health implications from weight gain, type 2 diabetes to cancer! A bed time routine that prepares us for sleep and includes a regular bed time is the #1 ingredient for feeling better. It is impossible to feel good when you are tired dragging yourself through life. No amount of caffeinated drinks will provide us with the fuel we need. That can only come from sleep.”
“We can learn new habits that help us feel more confident”
“A lack of confidence means that we are often judging ourselves based on limiting beliefs that often begun in childhood. My feeling crap usually reflects all my school reports (“Tamu must try harder”) so I often feel like I’m not enough. This has become a deeply ingrained habit. Brains are lazy, they love habits so they start to scan the world to find evidence to maintain the habit. According to neuroscience up to 95% of our brain function is “autopilot” (habitual). We have 80,000 – 60,000 thoughts a day most of which are a repetition of yesterday. So we humans have a tendency to think things can’t change because “it is what it is” (shout out any Love Island watchers!). But this is not true. If we can learn habits that keep us small, we can learn new habits that help us feel more confident.”
“You are enough”
“A way to disrupt the negative patterns and create new thought habits is to look at things differently. For example if the “not enough” feeling resonates with anyone, firstly we were all born with what we need to survive. We are living proof. If your children that are as well as they can be, you are enough. If you have food on the table and your utilities are paid you are enough, even if you are not the “breadwinner” or don’t contribute as much as your partner because you are the main carer, you are enough.”
“It’s a calm feeling…”
“When you understand what gives your life meaning and do a little bit of it as often as you can, over time you will start to feel fulfilled. Fulfilment = enough. Sometimes it takes a while to notice as it’s a calm feeling rather than a dopamine filled exciting feeling which is fleeting.”
“It’s OK to be scared!”
“It takes practice and you need time because you are creating new habits to counter habits of a lifetime. When your critical habits pop up, because they will rather than chastise yourself think about them like a seven year old that needs reassurance. I literally say out loud, it’s ok to be scared, hold my hand we are doing this together and over time confidence takes over the critical thoughts and I repeat as often as necessary in the same manner that I reassure my child when she is struggling with something.”
Every Monday night we do a live chat for Supermushers with an expert (and a few special guests you might have heard of) on the topics that are keeping you awake at night (sometimes literally…). Find out more and sign up here.