6th July 2020

Your birth plan based on your star sign

Big sparkly cosmic greetings. If you’re currently blessed with a foetus feasting off your internal organs, you’ll probably be pondering how on earth you’re going to get the thing out. Water birth? Hypnobirthing? All the delicious drugs? Before you make any big decisions, consider how your astrological profile might impact on your preferences*.    


As a fire sign, you might get a bit hot while attempting to push an actual human out of your body. Give birth in an ice hotel to offset your naturally scorching nature.    


You love comfort, so you might find giving birth a little bit annoying. Sorry about that. Make the process more comfortable by buying some nice new pyjamas… and then coating them with so many bodily fluids that they get chucked straight in the hospital incinerator.        


Quite the pro at compartmentalising (this is big talk for being a two-faced fraud), you don’t need to give birth, just get your evil inner twin to do it. Muhahaha, etc.


You hate leaving the house, so home birth it is. You also love beautiful things, so here’s hoping the baby doesn’t take after the mother in law, right?   


The ultimate drama queen, you will BELLOW for all the drugs and make sounds previously only heard when a T-Rex ate a pterodactyl. Don’t pretend it’s going to go any other way.


You booked your c-section in before you’d even conceived, that’s how organised you are.  


Fancy yourself as a bit of a charmer, huh? But no amount of sweet talk is going to make that baby nonchalantly stroll out of your birth canal. Direct your charm towards the medical professionals who might give you all the drugs if you ask nicely.


It’s going to be a tough day at the office for your midwife. So much anger, so much screaming… or passion, as you call it. Warn your birth partner to wear armour, too, since you might squeeze them quite… passionately.


You hate being constrained, so any requests to lie on your back to be monitored will go down badly. Bounce on that ball, do crab-walks up and down the stairs and generally treat labour like your 13th triathlon.


If giving birth was an exam, you’d ace it – you’ve revised for months, possibly years, and you’re feeling calm, confident and in control. You’ve probably laminated your birth plan. Unfortunately babies have a way of messing with all that. So just TRY and go with the flow, yeah?  


As an independent non-conformist, you’re the most likely zodiac sign to eschew convention. Hypnobirthing? A doula? Giving birth off-grid in a forest with only some jolly squirrels for company? Why the hell not?   


You’re a fish, so one way or another you’re having a water birth – either because you’re in a pool, or because you’ll cry so much that you might as well be. BYO tissues.   

* Disclaimer: it probably won’t. 

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