Jo E Verrill on the gifts that money literally can’t buy. Maybe one day eh?

A recent ad on my Facebook feed informed me that an electric toothbrush would make ‘the perfect Mother’s Day gift’. I imagined the face of the recipient of such a gift, and where said gift might end up being inserted.

So what would be the perfect Mother’s Day gift? Chocolate’s great, but to be honest – skint as I might be – I can afford to buy it for myself. And I do. Regularly. Way too regularly (OK, so perhaps a toothbrush isn’t such a bad idea). I see the outside world regularly, way too regularly, so flowers and plants aren’t quite as exciting as they used to be. Therefore, dear husband, I can understand why you might be thinking of getting me a functional gift – but if you were perhaps it could be something more like this…

STOPCOCK FOR CHILDREN: Children, as we know, have an excretion for every occasion. Undamable snot rivers in a new baby class, unexpected wee fountains in posh restaurants, dribble lagoons across your mother-in-law’s new carpet…This handy gadget would control the fluids – switching them off at inconvenient moments (plane journeys, hangovers) – and allow you to turn them back on again at a more convenient one (probably about 2020).

AUTO-MOM: Bored of being the Nagmeister General? Need a break from the Why Bird? (Why? Why? Why?) While you relax in the comfort of uninterrupted Netflix bliss, the Auto-Mom voice synthesiser can randomly generate classic mom phrases to cover all occasions – ‘No!’ ‘How do you ask nicely?’ ‘Get down!’ – until you’re mentally ready to face the onslaught again.

PASTA-ISER: Machine that makes everything into plain-looking, plain-tasting, toddler-pleasing pasta. You’ve heard about these spiralisers, but what if you could put an entire three-course nutritious meal into a device and have something shoot out the other end that will unfailingly be gobbled up by your carb-obsessed mini-monster?

EMERGENCY EYES: Dual-purpose fake eyes that can fit perfectly over your own, for when you need to appear to be awake (pointless meetings, boring strangers talking to you on the train), but would actually rather be catching up on your ZZZs. Can also be applied to the back or side of the head to look in two directions at once (and because you want to, not just because you’re tired and cross-eyed).

SELF-DRESSING CLOTHES: So we can make driverless cars, and nobody has thought to invent garments that can wriggle onto a child without adult intervention? Surely the next step to technical nirvana!

@verrillverrill @mushmums