16th September 2019

The 10 obligatory baby spam photos of social media

This is what happens on your social media feed before you have kids: people get drunk, show off about that time they backpacked around, er, Lisbon, post some selfies, show you pictures of their ceviche and introduce their new boyfriend, Dan. This is what happens on your social media feed after having kids: people post many, many pictures of their children. Here are the classics…

1. Scan picture

Posted the second they get the go-ahead from the hospital and can stop keeping that flamin’ secret, the scan picture will be the recipient of around 200 identical comments, most of which will be varying combinations of the thumbs up/ heart/ baby emojis.

2. First picture in hospital

Includes a blanket and the obligatory hat on the head and may incorporate a mum, squeezed into a hospital gown and too off her face on gas and air to 100% check if her boob is out of shot.

3. In the car seat leaving hospital

Make the most of this, new mums, that car seat will soon have banana smeared over it and a few very questionable stains.

4. Yoghurt face

No food tells the story of weaning more perfectly than yoghurt, smeared all over the baby’s chin after he decided he wanted to feed himself, squished into his eyebrows and absolutely definitely 100% matted into his hair. Always cute, FYI, even when you’ve seen 16 versions of it this week.

5. Nursery/baby group Christmas party

Always involves tears because what child would like an over-enthusiastic stranger with a giant beard whose lap he inexplicably has to sit on, especially when they are themselves dressed as a nylon Christmas pudding?

6. High on sugar posing in front of a cake at a birthday party

Even more terrifying when you see the video version and the buffet table of E numbers in the background.

7. Looking risky with older sibling/ cousin

Older sibling/ cousin has been given permission to hold them on their laps for approximately three seconds/ the duration of the photo being taken but no-one really feels that confident about the situation. Which is why they took it quickly and it’s pretty severely out of focus.

8. The professional one

White background, possibly being thrown up in the air by their dad or, if they’re a very small baby, maybe naked except for a wooly hat in a pose we like to think of as ‘the Huggies wipes packet.’

9. Halloween fancy dress

Where once October was the marker for dressing yourself in a sexy ghost costume and convincing yourself that even though you live in the UK, Hallowe’en is a proper thing, now it’s a cracking excuse to dress your child up as a small pumpkin and/ or in that skeleton babygrow everyone’s got from the Tu range at Sainsbury’s.

10. World Book Day, probably dressed as Harry Potter

If your kids are not old enough to get involved in World Book Day, then you’ll be a bit confused when you first wake up and scan social media. Perhaps geek chic is in you’ll think, maybe the baby should get some glasses. Then you’ll see a toddler dressed as a witch on a broom with some sort of papier mache cat and things will become clearer. Your time will come.

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